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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.